Monday, January 26, 2009

Amazing Video & A Funny Story

I got this video link in an email. It was one of the most amazing stunts I have ever seen. Watching it jogged my memory and I recalled a very humorous day in my life. Go ahead and watch the video then continue reading. Here is the disclaimer: Toward the end of this video, I think one of the onlookers utters something akin to "Holy Moley" as a man flies by him at about a hundred miles an hour. If that offends you, turn your sound off or don't watch this and go cross stitch a bookmark instead.

wingsuit base jumping from Ali on Vimeo.

About 16 years ago, I had a friend in my church who was a stuntman- a real, honest to goodness, Hollywood stunts and special effects guy. He had married a local girl, moved to the area and tried to make a go of it from here. He recruited me and several of my friends to work with him on various projects that would come along. So we trained. We learned how to "stunt fight." We learned how to fall without getting hurt and various other tricks of the trade.

On one particular occasion, my stuntman friend (who shall remain nameless) contracted with a North Carolina blanket company to do some photo and video shoots for an ad campaign that would demonstrate the strength and durability of their blankets. On one shoot we fired a cannon ball at the blanket. On another shoot, we simulated hanging beneath a helicopter holding onto nothing but the blanket. I went because the company president and I were about the same size so I made a good stunt double. We were actually in a full body harness although it was still rather dangerous. That brings us to the really funny part and the reason that I was reminded of this by idiots in gliding wingsuits.

On our last shoot for this company, someone had a really bright idea. It was decided that we would go to the Flyaway in Pigeon Forge, TN and simulate skydiving using a blanket instead of a parachute. The Flyaway, for those that may not know, is a facility where people can go and simulate skydiving by putting on a skydiving suit (a little like the wingsuit but different) and standing on top of a giant room-size fan. The only thing between you and being run through the food processor is a mesh screen. The cool part was that we got to go in for free and play around so that we could acclimate ourselves to the environment. While playing around we discovered that I was right on the size limit. All that meant was that the suit I had to wear didn't fit quite right and they had to crank the fan up as fast as it could go. Think Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd in Spies Like Us ("Want some coffee?)

After getting our bearings. I then had to change into my costume: gray slacks, white shirt, red tie and blue sport coat. This was the same outfit that had been worn in all previous shoots. Then they draped the blanket over my back and began to tie/affix it to my wrists and ankles. Are you getting the picture? I looked like Rocky, The Flying Squirrel Accountant. The lift is not going to be achieved by the large, wind-catching skydiving suit. The lift is going to come from the air shooting around my 27-acre body and into the blanket/sail that is now permanently attached to my extremities. Unfortunately, we were fresh out of engineers and physicists. No one was there to enlighten us on the amount of stress that was about to be placed on my shoulders and...well... groin area.

Soooooooo, I layed down in the middle of the aforementioned mesh screen and waited for lift off as they cranked the fan up to about 130 mph. As the wind danced off my face and my blanket parachute began to fill up, I was suddenly reminded of the way they used to punish criminals for high treason during the middle ages in England. They would tie horses or mules to each arm and leg and urge them to run away from each other...with the arms and legs. They called it being "drawn and quartered." As the fan approached 130 mph, I began to achieve anti gravity. Lift off had begun and rip off was soon to follow. I can't begin to describe the pain that was coursing through my body. Each time I would get about 5 feet or so off the ground, my body would shift just enough for the air to leave my blanket and I would fall off the column of air and crash into the side pads or the photographer/videographer. The bad thing was that five feet was high enough to hurt when you fell, but not high enough to get the "money shot." I did this for about two hours before we got everything we needed.

And that, my friends, is how my illustrious stuntman career came to an end.

No autographs, please.

3 comments:

  1. I am laughing so hard I am crying. I would love your autograph in the drop-off line at school in the morning. You know, now that I think about it, you always have looked familiar to me...hmmm.

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  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  3. Dude. Seriously. That is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Ever. I'm on the other side of the house and was scared of waking the kids laughing.

    P.S. I have to show you my "fat boy in a small suit" photos from the last skydiving trip Lyndy and I took. They just don't make those things in a real XL, do they?

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